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Today at a Glance

• The client who drowned in a sea of empathy

• Making empathy granular

• How I coach empathy

The client who drowned in a sea of empathy

If you're reading this, chances are you know the sea of empathy—or tend to wade into it yourself.

I have some clients in coaching, executives and C-Level, who are 100% on the pragmatic, business-decision side of things. This is usually great for business, but bad for relationships and, to some degree, a happy life and sense of self.

For this newsletter edition, I want to focus on the other side: clients with a naturally high degree of empathy. My client was a chief of a medical clinic, chronically overworked due to a high patient load and the amount of time he spent talking to his staff.

Always thinking three steps ahead. Interpreting every signal. Rethinking what it could have meant. What does the employee's trouble with her grandmother have to do with our work environment? Tuning into everybody's soul. Pleasing. Appealing. Burned out.

At the time, I didn't know what to do with him. I'd been listening to podcasts and stumbled on the concept of Tactical Empathy from Chris Voss. I also spoke to a mentor of mine in a supervision session. He introduced me to the concept of Against Empathy by Paul Bloom.

For the result, see How I coach empathy.

Making empathy granular

Simply put, making things granular leads to more wellbeing and more action options— more degrees of freedom in thinking, behaviour and emotions.

Emotions aren't just anger, sadness, envy, shame, and guilt. They include: peeved, worried, irritated, alienated, miserable, exhilarated, enraged, troubled, concerned.

Behavior in relationships isn't just attack, flight/fight, or stay. It includes: give space, avoid influence, pester affectionately, show anger, show off, allow affection, cling to, appear helpless, completely reject contact, withdraw.

Empathy isn't just feeling what others feel. That's the core skill, but there's more to it:

1. Cognitive Empathy is understanding of another’s perspective without absorbing emotions.

2. Emotional Empathy is feeling what others feel — connecting with and acknowledging their emotions(and mine) without judgment.

3. Compassionate Empathy is feeling and acting, e.g. for helping others.

4. Tactical Empathy is understanding motives and guide outcomes (e.g. my desired outcome).

5. Against Empathy is a tool for clearing my own judgement. It’s about balancing empathy.

This knowledge can be turned into actions.

How I coach empathy

When I tried to apply these concepts with my client, I started just asking questions. This led to the following:

Are you leading with the right empathy at the right time?

He did not. He chose options 1 and 2 for his tool every time—with no "until."

Since options 4 and 5 might have been overwhelming at first, starting with 3 (compassionate empathy) turned out to be a smart move.

The task was simple yet effective:

1. Before any conversation, he wrote down whether the meeting was about problem-solving, connection, or negotiation.

2. Then he brought a script with anchor points into the conversation.

3. For example, problem-solving (Top #1) involved:

   1. One empathic sentence was allowed (ideally a statement, not a question: "This must have been hard for you.").

   2. Set a 5-minute time limit for hearing the problem.

   3. Ask: "What can you do to solve the problem yourself?"

   4. Then: "What can I add to your solution?"

   5. Finally: "I see X. I can offer Y. Until Z."

   6. Reflect afterward by asking: "Did I use the right approach to guide this situation?"

That’s it for this month.

See you again at 15th of November.

Take care,

Yours,

Moritz

PS:

Can you rarely make time for physical activity or regeneration? Do youI feel emotionally unstable and have difficulties to stay calm under pressure? Is managing people emotionally and energetically draining for you?

If that sounds familiar, Mastering Emotions is for you. I began coaching in 2023. Since then, l've coached over 30 executives, entrepreneurs, and high potentials on building Emotional Intelligence and into becoming future leaders.

If you want to learn more about my coaching book an orientation call here:

PPS:

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